Devil Dog

MIL has a dog named Peanut. As you can see in this picture, she is aptly named, as she is a tiny little dog. She is a Yorkie, but in her current hairstyle, looks more like a chihuahua. She even acts like a chihuahua, shaking for no reason and acting pitiful.

I woke up this morning at 8:30am after being up until 2 frickin' thirty doing homework (which, by the way, is still not complete). Bud and MIL must have left real early, as I appeared to be the only one home.

I took three steps, and then, *squish* right between the toes. The little bugger had left a wet turd right outside the bedroom door. I of course said some choice words and hop-hobbled to the bathroom to wash my foot. On the way, I encountered a turd in the dining room, a turd under the table this laptop sits on, a turd in the kitchen (using "turd" lightly here, as it was more of a liquid mass), a semi-formed turd in the hallway, and a turd in the bathroom. That is an awful lot of turds from one tiny little dog!

After cleaning up all the messes, and after not hearing from hubby or MIL, I decided to call and find out where they were to make sure everything was alright. They were fine, but Bud confirmed that he, too, had cleaned up no less then two piles from the little poop machine.

I must say, I am quite impressed that that much excretion came out of her. I guess I shouldn't be, as she is literally a little shit. I named this post Devil Dog aptly, because I am certain she is a minion of Satan.

She can be the cutest, sweetest dog around. But then, when you least expect it, she becomes evil. It reminds me of the movie Gremlins. Remember those cute little furballs? And what happened when they got wet? Peanut is like a cute little Gizmo, until she gets a wild hair up her butt. Then, watch out. Here are the before and after:

I have taken to calling her queenie,

As she is the queen of the house. She dictates when MIL gets up,
goes to bed, when she will eat, when she wants to be picked up, and her position on MIL's lap. She allows one of the other dogs, Suzie, to get up in the chair with MIL, but she will growl and glare at her to get off of MILs lap and move to the side so she can have the coveted lap position. Look at that evil glow in her eye--possessed, I tell ya. Mind you, our dog, Ghost, could chomp her in one bite. Don't think the thought hasn't crossed her mind, as I have seen the look in Ghost's eye many a time: "I could swallow you whole, you little hefer. Don't mess with me!"

As we speak, she is growling and fussing because I will not take the gate down so she can go into the living room. Sorry, poopy dog, but there is no way I am giving you access to furniture right now...

Big Ass Dog

Last night all hell broke loose when a Big Ass Dog showed up in our yard after supper. It drove Ghost, our dog, and Dixie (Mr. M's and Mrs. C's dog) crazy. Our dog is an average-sized dog, but this dog made her look little in comparison:

He appears to be a pit bull mix, and like I said, he is one BIG ASS DOG. And he is in heat; and Dixie is not fixed. Now Dixie is a Tsih Tsu as I have mentioned before, or as I like to call her, Little Shit. Big Ass Dog would go to smell her, and she would begin yipping in his face, making him jump straight in the air off his feet.

This dog is somebody's baby. He has been howling and crying all night, scratching at the door, whimpering, and being just pitiful. Trying to find the owner to no avail...

The dog is a ball of energy. I don't think he is much older than a year or two--too much puppy still in him. He won't sit still. The only time I managed to get a good picture of him was when he was flowering the weeds:

As said, Big Ass Dog is a handsome fellow, and someone out there is probably missing him dearly. This county does not have a humane society or a dog pound, so there is really no place to take him. In the mean time, Little Shit is yip-barking non-stop, and Ghost is ready for him to leave her property (she thinks this is her property and runs everyone off: mailmen, garbagemen, and any visitor she hasn't met yet). Having this big brute of a dog in the yard is disconcerting to her.

Hopefully, we will find its home. There are lots and lots of stray dogs and cats in this county, as people tend to just drop them off on the side of the road.

Fingers-crossed that this is not the case with this dog. Seems unlikely, as he is a nice dog. He could have chomped Little Shit in two, but he is actually a little intimidated by Her Highness. Guess we will see....maybe he is an alien....

Aliens, revisited

As I said in an earlier post, I am convinced that I get frequent visits from aliens, and that they are having oh-so-much fun doing experiments on me. For the record, I am NOT having oh-so-much fun. I am a mostly sane person, but I am perfectly certain that those little fuckers are messing with me.

1) I sprouted two bumps on my head about 5 years ago, literally overnight. They are on top of my head, like sick little horns trying to grow. I think they are actually some kind of transmitter so the suckers can keep better track of everything I do.

2) I have three moles on my leg that form a perfect isosceles triangle. Each mole is the same size and color. They just appeared one day.

3) Bilateral "ow-ies"--I have had several instances that I will get a boo-boo on the same spot on each hand, or each arm, or each knee, etc, etc, etc. Thing is, I never remember doing anything to get the ouchies in the first place--they are just "there".

4) Crazy-ass, unexplainable dreams. I have these ALL. THE. TIME. Case in point: the recent dream that I will recount for you now...

I dreamed that my father, Bud, and a few other friends and I were going to pick up a very eccentric old lady friend of ours to take out to eat. She lived in a huge mansion with lots of turrets and skylights. She loved birds, and had many wild birds nesting in her home.

We rang the bell, and another friend answered the door. He told us that a stranger had burst in, and then ran out of the house running. Since the stranger had been there, the old woman had disappeared.

We hunted all over for her. While hunting, I noted that there was a next of baby birds up in the rafters that appeared to be orphans. My dad brought a ladder and helped me rescue the birds. While I was rescuing the birds, I heard a thump and turned to see that a huge section of pipe had fallen off of the antique wrought iron stove. We soon realized that the stranger had stuffed the poor old woman into the pipe. It was horrible.

It was at that point in my dream that the birds were now tomatoes, but in my dream, I did not take notice. My father told me to take very good care of them, as they were orphans. Evidently, in the world of my crazy ass dream, tomatoes are where people came from. At some point, all tomatoes morphed into babies. There had even been a documented case where one tomato did not morph until it was 21 years old!

For some reason, we still wanted to take the now dead and pipe-filling old lady with us out to eat, so my dad was having some of the men tie the pipe, with the little old lady still inside, to the side of our bus (our group was so big, we had to ride around in a bus). I, for reasons unknown, had cut open one of the tomatoes and was scooping out the slime and seeds as though I was going to stuff it. A piece fell off into the sink, and I thought, "uh oh, I wonder if the baby will be deformed?" (good grief, I thought about this AFTER I had sliced it wide open???)

I carefully pulled all the wedges back together into the semblance of a tomato, sans one wedge. I carried the tomatoes with me onto the bus.

When we got to our destination, one of my former bosses, BS, appeared, and offered a $1000 prize to the first person who could correctly guess what is the most common start and end time of a shift for the average employee based on a study by the (blah blah blah) personnel group. I had the correct times, but I didn't get the prize, because BS stated that I also had to note that each time correlated to a famous mountain/volcano, one being Vesuvius and the other I don't remember now. Anyhow, I didn't win...

It was then I realized that I had either lost one of the tomatoes, or it had morphed and I just didn't know it....

End of that particular dream.

Are you now thoroughly convinced that aliens are controlling my dreams and trying to drive me insane????

I sometimes dread going to sleep, afraid of what I will dream next. Damn aliens!

The Morning After

Talk about getting nothing accomplished! Our dog, Ghost, was sick as a (forgive me) dog last night, puking and projectile shitting all night. Neither one of us got much sleep.

Bud did manage to go through several boxes of junk in the basement today in an attempt to weed out. I didn't do diddly but seal up a box of clothes.

My goal was to go through all the crap in the office and consolidate it to one small box. Not going to be a small undertaking. And not going to happen tonight. I have ZERO ambition.

We ended up taking a 4 hour nap, and I am still feeling lethargic. I had a weird-ass dream. Bare with me:

Bud blind-folded me, then inserted something phallic-like in me. He then asked me what color it was, and I guessed red. I then hear him talking to another person: "As I suspected, the female of the species has innate intuitive powers...." I realized that hubby was an alien and that he was doing experiments on me!

The dream isn't that out there, considering that I am certain that aliens regularly have performed experiments on me throughout my life....seriously! You may think I am a nut-job, but I cannot explain the weird stuff that has happened over the years. It seems the more logical explanation. I will share more on this in another post.

Sooooo, I blog to get this shit out. Lucky you! I am off to watch King of the Hill episodes on http://www.yidio.com/ because that is at the top of the importance list:

• watch King of the Hill


• weed through possessions until we are down to what will fit in a van


• find a job


• find a place to live


• have a major psychotic episode when I realize the magnitude of what we are about to undertake

Yep, I am right on track!