Bud and I will be moving for the umpteenth trillion time next weekend. We are actually--get this--moving in with Bud's first wife, K, and her roommate (who also happens to be a long-time friend of Bud's). So Bud will have two of his wives under one roof again!
We haven't told MIL yet--she is away for the weekend and won't get back until later this afternoon. This will go over like a lead balloon, let me tell ya. We have been living with her a year--a YEAR! I know she is gotten used to us doing things around here. Not that she is not capable of doing 85% of what we do; we just try to earn our keep and make it easier for her. I think she has only cooked a half dozen times in the year we have been here. She has not had to vacuum once. I think she has done the dishes 5 times. She does keep her own room cleaned up, and she does the sink and stool once a week. Gonna be a major adjustment for her to say the least.
We will be about an hour away, so it is not like we are moving across the country. We will still be mowing her lawn every few weeks, and helping her with anything she cannot do herself. We will check in with her daily to make sure she is okay.
It will be a major adjustment for us as well. We have been in caregiver mode for TWO YEARS. And we will be moving in to a home 1/2 the size of this one--and we think this one is small! LOL
We actually went out last night--for real! We joined K at a bar that was doing a Hometown Idol contest, and K made it to the next round! Bud and K kept urging me to enter the contest, but that is just not my thing. Not that I am not competitive. I am just more competitive with myself. And okay, I am competitive playing Scrabble on Facebook. But the players on Facebook aren't "real" to me--they are just faceless entities I am playing against. I might as well be playing with a computer. And since Bud and I were karaoke hosts for years and years, I am a firm believer that karaoke isn't supposed to be a competition; it is supposed to be an outlet for anyone who has the desire to sing, no matter what their skill level. When you turn it into a competition, someone who may have finally found the nerve to get up and put themselves out there might change their mind and never get up and all. Just sayin'...
Back to the move. I am NOT looking forward to telling MIL. No matter how we tell her, it is going to put her in a fowl move. It doesn't matter that we are making the move so that I can avoid driving 60 miles for a new job; she will still take it personally. She and I just had a big talk on Thursday, because she has been saying things that intentionally try and hurt my feelings (criticizing how I cook or making me feel like I am not doing enough around the house). She told me I was too sensitive, and that I basically need to harden myself like she has. She said she used to bite her tongue, but as she ages, she is more outspoken; I told her that is fine, but there is such a thing as tact and kindness.
This has been coming for a while. MIL has just about put Bud over the edge (I would probably be the same way if we were living with my mom, in all fairness. I love her to death, but I SURE couldn't live with her!) MIL has another son who actually lives right in town, but they are truly oil and water. They do NOT get along at all, so I know she will not ask him for anything and vice versa. Any time he has tried to help, it has not been appreciated, and she has found a way to negate any efforts he has made to help and make amends in their relationship. (Long back story here, but he truly did put every member of the family through hell for years).
Bud's other brother is in Malaysia. He has power of attorney and is the sole heir, so our hands have always been tied. He stayed here for 6 months last year after FIL passed. I am hoping that he finds a way to move back soon, as I know if MIL passes while he is overseas, it will be a mess on our end. She has verbally given us a list of some things she wants her other DIL to have, things she wants Bud to have, things she wants me to have, etc, but she is unwilling to add a codicil to her will with these wishes. Bud and I have told her that unless she has it in writing, her verbal wishes are mute. The option is to give the items to those she wants to have them while she is still living, but she said she doesn't want to part with anything yet. Sigh.
She at one time said if she passed, Bud and I could stay in this house as long as we wanted; sorry, but I am not doing upkeep and sinking money into a home that is not ours. I do know that Bud's brother in Malaysia would come back to Michigan if MIL bought the ticket; I suspect maybe with us gone, she will do just that, I don't know.
Whoa! I sure derailed my topic, didn't I? LOL I think as stressful as a move is, this will be a good change for us in the short run. Wish us luck! Anyone out there want to break the news to MIL???
UPDATE: MIL has been told, and surprisingly, she took it okay. She usually gets quite nasty when she is upset, but she was quite calm. The only conditions she gave us was that we can never move back in, and that we had to give her our copy of the housekeys. That was it, for the most part. She also wants us to arrange the furniture in the bedroom we are using back the way it was, which we intended to do anyway.
ReplyDeleteI am of course going to worry about her. She is not steady on her feet, and has fallen in the past. And of course, she has health issues. But she is a tough ole bird, so she will be okay. I know we will be just an hour away, so we can be here if needed.
I know in her heart, she feels like we are abandoning her. Truth be told, every single day, she secretly wished it was her other son and wife staying here. I know in her own way, she loves Bud and I, but she worships her baby boy. The livingroom looks like a shrine to him: 4 pics of him, 3 pics of his wife, and their wedding album, predominately displayed on the living room coffee table. She has one picture of Bud, our son, Joe, and I; she actually also has a picture of me when I was 16 that she recently copied and framed for display. At first, I was flattered, until I realized it was only so she could point out what a slim, nice-looking girl I once was. She can then point to the 15 year old family piture of Bud, Joe and I and say, "look what she looks like now..."
Sigh. We are moving in 5 short day. I am hoping things stay civil, but I am afraid with each passing day, things will get tense. I hate it.
Got a lot to do in the next 5 days, so it may be a while before I post again. Not sure we can afford internet at the new place after the expense of moving (again). They do have a little library, so I may be able to get online there. Evidently, K and B have a rouge unsecured signal from a neighbor that they sometimes can piggyback to get online. Not sure if we can pick it up with our laptops or not. Until then...BC, I sure could use a girl's getaway! ;)
Good golly Miss Molly, moving into a place half the size with 2 more people will have us yearning for a weekend every weekend.
ReplyDeleteHad palliative care people out here M, W, F. Each time stayed about 2 and a half hours. Slowest people on earth who seem to live to generate paperwork. I did learn that they stated in their reports that Ron's primary caregiver, me, has Anger Issues. Ya think?
Friday Ron fell again and Saturday morning had to be transported to hospital. Cracked pelvic something or other, no fix for it, transferred to rehab so he can be medicated enough to see if he can get to toilet, etc. Don't know how he survived so far or how he can keep on. He is at the end.
Anger Issues. Well hell ya, who wouldn't after what you have been through. Having to watch Ron waste away before your eyes, having to deal with support care staff who truly do spend more time writing than admistering care...
ReplyDeleteI feel for ya, BC. I know Bud and I both are scared to end up burdening the other when our time comes. We hope when our prospective times come, we go quickly--no muss no fuss.
After being in caregiver mode for so long, it is something I would never wish on anyone. It is an emotionally and physically draining task. You find yourself praying that you never have to receive that level of care yourself. I think of our poor friend Mike in Alabama that we cared for. I know it depressed and humilated him to have people who were once friends tending to his care, from bathing to toilet, from feeding to transporting, from clothing him to changing his dressings. He was declared in remission when we left last July; he passed away a month ago. Of course, I keep asking the what if's: what if we stayed--would he still be alive? What if we hadn't come back to Michigan to help mom--would she have called 911 when she had her heart attack, or would she have ignored her symptoms and died?
Sigh. I know I am not the one in control. Life happens, with or without my presence. I have no way of knowing if the outcomes would be any different. As the saying goes, "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery--live for the moment and make today count..."
wow you're moving! This will be a big adjustment moving in with K right? How do you feel about that?
ReplyDeleteI feel so badly that MIL treats you that way :( You have done and do so much for her.
It sounds like you got a new job? That should make you happy!
I hope this all works out for you D, I really do.
BC ~ my heart goes out to you during this tough time. I truly hope things get better for you.
On a good note, I was blessed with another grandson a couple of days ago...new life has a way of helping with perspective.
New, congrats on the new grandson! Hooray!
ReplyDeleteWe are slowly getting aclimated here. It is very tight quarters, so we don't have much of anything here with us--it is all in storage for the most part.
I have been the grillmeister for the last two days, and everyone is enjoying the food, so that is a plus.
K's car bit the dust (it was our old car, which was actually ES's old car), so we are sharing one car now. Hoping she can secure a new one soon!
Got tomatoes planted, and they have several flower beds for me to busy myself in, so that is a plus. And the biggest plus? I am working on my book again! yay!
I am sitting on the porch right now, listening to the birds sing, the wind in the trees, and the wind chimes tinkling. It is calming, and I think I feel less stiffled here, even though we are living in a postage stamp-sized house.
You don't mention the all of a sudden sharing Bud's time on a daily basis...I'm curious how you feel about that, although you do sound like a burden has been lifted off your shoulders, which is a good thing. God bless you for being willing to live in the same house with another wife. You seem to be a very strong person :) And you did afterall live with ES, which never sounded easy..that makes me think Bud is very lucky to have such a special person, you, in his life.
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