I know I have spoken of various other wives in many other posts, and it gets confusing at times. If you are lurking and not in the know, I consider myself a polygamist, though I loath slapping labels on myself or others. To put it simply, I believe that some people are capable of compersion--they receive joy in seeing others happy. They are capable of being in loving, committed relationships with more than one spouse at a time--called polyamory.
People enter polygamy for many different reasons, and there are many forms of poly out there. I believe as long as you are not hurting other people and are not "abusing the system"--that the relationships are free -will and not forced--live and let live. I say we need more love in the world, not less.
I have been of the "poly mind-set" since I was very young, although I didn't know it was called polygamy. I just wondered why people couldn't be married to more than one person at a time if they loved them. I remember being so relieved when I was dating Bud and we had those long, all-night conversations about anything and everything that the subject of loving more than one person at a time came up. Even then, Bud and I were not calling it polygamy. We just were amazed and intrigued that we were of the like-mind on the subject of loving more than one person. At that point, I already knew K and was well-aware of their long romance. They had been an exclusive couple for more than 7 years--Bud was 16 when they met, Kate was 19. When they decided to split, it wasn't for lack of love for each other. Even after I met her, it was obvious that the two of them still loved each other immensely. I admired the relationship rather than envy it.
It was K and B who introduced Bud to S, Bud's second wife. As you may recall from an earlier post, B is a very good friend of K and Bud, and their lives have been intertwined for years. In fact, K and B were a couple for a short time. I know! Bud, B and I are all the same age; K is three years older, and S is 20 years older. Bud and S were married a year. They love each other dearly, but at that time, they truly could not live together under one roof. As with K, they remained fiercely loyal to one another. That was 4 years before I met Bud.
I am wife number 3, and for all intents and purposes, I am the primary wife, as I am the one who has been married to him for 18 years. K and S have both been in my life nearly as long, since I met them while Bud and I were still dating. There are so many intertwinings in our lives. Bud and I both grew up in the same small town, and went to the same elementary school, though he was a grade ahead of me, and we never knew one another (or rather, neither of us has a memory or recollection of the other at that age). I went to high school with S's son. He lived with his father at that point, and I never knew S back then. Her son was the best friend of my high school sweetheart. S later worked with my step-mother, which Bud and I figured out one night after we were dating.
Through the years, Bud has maintained relationships with all of his wives, though we never had lived under one roof. As S is fond of saying, "Bud never gets rid of his wives, but keeps them near..." Several times over the years, we have spoken of getting a home together. Much laughter and tears have been shared amongst us, many meals and cups of coffee have been consumed.
Bud and I made the move to Alabama in 2000, and we lived there until the end of 2009. We met ES in 2006. ES was our first attempt at truly living a polygamous life under one roof with another partner. She and Bud married in April of 2006, and Bud and I remained legally married as well. We were together 3 years before she moved to Florida to care for her father. By that time, the relationship between she and I had become strained. Her health had taken a toll on all of us. She pushed us away, and the anger she felt over her illness was often unleashed on those she loved--Bud and I. She wanted to be in control, as she was used to always having control. But she often felt helpless and victimized by the PAD, diabetes, Lyme's disease, and chronic pain. Not to mention losing a leg. ES was never the same after that...
ES passed in December of 2010. It was quite a shock. We had been discussing once again getting all the wives under one roof, but I wasn't ready. Things were still too raw and painful, and I needed more time to heal...
So there you have it: the 4 wives of Bud. Granted, we never have all lived under one roof, and it is rather non-conventional according to poly standards, but we are a poly family. We all love each other beyond friendship--no envy, no jealousy, nothing we can't say to one another. We tend to be starkly honest with one another. We each have very different personalities and talents, but we eagerly foster each other's strengths, and are there to catch each other when one of us takes a fall.
Because K, S and I have had longer to develop our relationships, I am not sure ES thrown in the mix so soon would have worked. Don't get me wrong--ES was very strong. But she liked to be the boss, and I know that wouldn't have flown with K and S. They are both very strong women as well. I tended to let ES bulldoze over me rather than having a confrontation with her; ES would never have been able to bulldoze K or S. I think the 4 of us under one roof would have been hell for Bud--just my honest opinion. Having that many strong-willed women around would have probably put him over the edge!
I know I am a strong woman as well, but it a much different way. I have perseverance. I tend to internalize a lot so as not to burden others.
I know that if we were to miraculously come in to a boat load of money, we would be looking for the perfect property with either an existing home to accommodate us, or one we could build on. Heck, I have already designed a home with three wings and a large common area consisting of the living room, kitchen and dining room. I think each of us needs our space, but we long to be near each other. God willing, some day, maybe we will have our perfect arrangement.
Showing posts with label ES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ES. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
One Year Ago Today
Seems like it has been much longer--or maybe not that long ago, like it was only yesterday. My sisterwife, ES, passed away one year ago today. Things became much less turbulent after she made the decision to leave. That doesn't mean I don't miss her. I do. The best parts of ES, I truly do miss. It was all the drama and heartache I don't miss.
Hope she is somewhere out there, and that she is at peace--and that she still can laugh from her gut until she has tears running down her face.
Here's to you, ES. Maybe we will meet again, someday.
Hope she is somewhere out there, and that she is at peace--and that she still can laugh from her gut until she has tears running down her face.
Here's to you, ES. Maybe we will meet again, someday.
Friday, November 18, 2011
6 years.
I just happened to look at my Yahoo calendar and noticed the notation: "First Contact with ES, 11/18/2005". It is hard to believe it has been that long ago. It is even harder to believe that she has been gone almost a year now. Time does not stand still for anyone, that is for sure.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Because God evidently doesn't think we have enough stress....
MIL is in the hospital. We took her to the ER at 3am on Monday morning, as she was having chest pains. They took her by ambulance to Borgess Hospital in Kzoo, and they did a heart cath. Turns out, she has three major blockages and and needs bypass surgery.
So now the poor woman has to deal with both dialysis and having her chest cracked open on Friday. She is taking it amazingly well. She is of course scared, but she has accepted that it has to be done and there is not a whole lot she can do about it.
This is a major deja vu for me--takes me back to when ES was in T-town and had her leg amputated. Drove 45 miles every day after work to go see her while she was in the hospital. Guess how far Kzoo is from here? Yup, just over 45 miles. At least this time, Bud and I are dealing with it together. When ES was int he hospital, if you were a follower of the other blog, the Self-Sustaining Kitchen( http://bamagalskitchen.blogspot.com/ --it is still up and running--go there for a lot of background and more on this storyline), you know that right after ES had the amputation, Bud had to rush to Michigan because his mom had had a heart attack, and his dad was in the hospital as well...not a pleasant time in our lives to say the least.
Mom is scheduled to have surgery on Friday, and Bud and I have been operating on little to no sleep; calling friends and family to keep them updated; trying to not have meltdown. I just did all the homework for one of my classes in record speed. My brain is thoroughly fried.
MIL, ever the worrier, is focusing not on her pending surgery, but rather on the fact that she was supposed to get her car serviced on Friday, was supposed to meet a friend for lunch this week, and oh, yeah, Peanut, the Jekyll-Hyde dog, was supposed to go get her annual booster shots. Not to mention that she had a ton of crafting projects she was working on that she had planned on finishing...gotta love her. She is obsessive-compulsive-and-very-likely-insane.
Keep her in your thoughts, everyone--all three of you intrepid followers!
So now the poor woman has to deal with both dialysis and having her chest cracked open on Friday. She is taking it amazingly well. She is of course scared, but she has accepted that it has to be done and there is not a whole lot she can do about it.
This is a major deja vu for me--takes me back to when ES was in T-town and had her leg amputated. Drove 45 miles every day after work to go see her while she was in the hospital. Guess how far Kzoo is from here? Yup, just over 45 miles. At least this time, Bud and I are dealing with it together. When ES was int he hospital, if you were a follower of the other blog, the Self-Sustaining Kitchen( http://bamagalskitchen.blogspot.com/ --it is still up and running--go there for a lot of background and more on this storyline), you know that right after ES had the amputation, Bud had to rush to Michigan because his mom had had a heart attack, and his dad was in the hospital as well...not a pleasant time in our lives to say the least.
Mom is scheduled to have surgery on Friday, and Bud and I have been operating on little to no sleep; calling friends and family to keep them updated; trying to not have meltdown. I just did all the homework for one of my classes in record speed. My brain is thoroughly fried.
MIL, ever the worrier, is focusing not on her pending surgery, but rather on the fact that she was supposed to get her car serviced on Friday, was supposed to meet a friend for lunch this week, and oh, yeah, Peanut, the Jekyll-Hyde dog, was supposed to go get her annual booster shots. Not to mention that she had a ton of crafting projects she was working on that she had planned on finishing...gotta love her. She is obsessive-compulsive-and-very-likely-insane.
Keep her in your thoughts, everyone--all three of you intrepid followers!
Monday, August 8, 2011
I Need a 12 Step Program...
I am obsessed with POGO. I may have mentioned this before. I am what they call a badge addict. POGO is an online gaming site with hundreds of games to choose from. They feature 2 games each week in which members can vie for "badges". To win a badge, you have to complete the challenge they give you. Members can also select personal challenges to complete. You can even purchase challenges (okay, I am not quite THAT sick--yet).
As you know, I am taking a full boatload of classes this semester, in addition to having "chores" to complete here at MIL's, since we are living here for free and I am not employed. I still, however, have the OCD need to finish my badges each week. I knew with the yard sale, two mid-terms, and a paper to write, I was going to have limited time to complete my badges, which come out every Wednesday. Long story short, I completed all the little beggars Wednesday night. Stayed up until 2 in the morning, glossy-eyed and determined to get them done before I went to bed.
Don't get me wrong. There are several of the games that I deem great for mental acuity. They require strategy, eye to hand coordination, powers of observation, and memory exercises. These are all good. But there is, inevitably, the mind-numbing, zero-ability, BORING ones as well. Yet I push myself to get the badge anyway.
Nothing, NOTHING is worse than the slot machine games. ACH! I am twitching just thinking about them. Click. Click. Click. Click. I have decided that Hell would be pricing yard sale items AND being forced to play slot machines.
It used to be you had the chance to win up to $4999 (if you were a member). They recently changed it to a much smaller amount, but they threw in a bunch more opportunities to win worthless crap like mugs and hats. Woooo hoooo!
Would you like to check out my obsession? Be forewarned, it is addictive. You don't have to become a member, you can play for free. The only difference is you are limited as to which games you can play, and you are subjected to ads.
I, of course, blame my obsession on ES. She is the one who got me hooked. When she told me about it, I scoffed, saying I didn't like video games, so I surely would not like POGO. Unfortunately, I have a secret competitive gene. My father and brothers are all fierce competitors. I would inevitable end up crying whenever I played even board games with them, because they are cut-throat and vicious when they do anything competitive. Heck, they can turn go-fish into a maniacal competition...I am not competitive with PEOPLE. I am competitive with myself--and those damn robots on POGO. I recently yelled at one, "DIE, YOU DAMN CHEATING BUCKET OF BOLTS!"
Yeah, I need help. If you would like to share in my addiction, here is the link to POGO. My POGO name is Deelovesbud. I am now officially a pusher, and POGO is the drug.
As you know, I am taking a full boatload of classes this semester, in addition to having "chores" to complete here at MIL's, since we are living here for free and I am not employed. I still, however, have the OCD need to finish my badges each week. I knew with the yard sale, two mid-terms, and a paper to write, I was going to have limited time to complete my badges, which come out every Wednesday. Long story short, I completed all the little beggars Wednesday night. Stayed up until 2 in the morning, glossy-eyed and determined to get them done before I went to bed.
Don't get me wrong. There are several of the games that I deem great for mental acuity. They require strategy, eye to hand coordination, powers of observation, and memory exercises. These are all good. But there is, inevitably, the mind-numbing, zero-ability, BORING ones as well. Yet I push myself to get the badge anyway.
Nothing, NOTHING is worse than the slot machine games. ACH! I am twitching just thinking about them. Click. Click. Click. Click. I have decided that Hell would be pricing yard sale items AND being forced to play slot machines.
It used to be you had the chance to win up to $4999 (if you were a member). They recently changed it to a much smaller amount, but they threw in a bunch more opportunities to win worthless crap like mugs and hats. Woooo hoooo!
Would you like to check out my obsession? Be forewarned, it is addictive. You don't have to become a member, you can play for free. The only difference is you are limited as to which games you can play, and you are subjected to ads.
I, of course, blame my obsession on ES. She is the one who got me hooked. When she told me about it, I scoffed, saying I didn't like video games, so I surely would not like POGO. Unfortunately, I have a secret competitive gene. My father and brothers are all fierce competitors. I would inevitable end up crying whenever I played even board games with them, because they are cut-throat and vicious when they do anything competitive. Heck, they can turn go-fish into a maniacal competition...I am not competitive with PEOPLE. I am competitive with myself--and those damn robots on POGO. I recently yelled at one, "DIE, YOU DAMN CHEATING BUCKET OF BOLTS!"
Yeah, I need help. If you would like to share in my addiction, here is the link to POGO. My POGO name is Deelovesbud. I am now officially a pusher, and POGO is the drug.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Rights--Can I Hear a HELL YEAH?
I just read that the UN has endorsed the rights of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community. FINALLY! What took so long? This is something that has always gotten under my craw--the abuse suffered by the GLB&T community. It has never made sense to me why people who love each other and are committed to each other could not be legally married or share the same benefits that heterosexual couples have. Finally. FINALLY!
I am hoping that this will soon open the door for polygamists as well. I firmly believe that no one can dictate who we love. That includes loving multiple people at the same time and being committed to them exclusively.
I have brushed lightly on the fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, a polyamorous person. I find it normal to love more than one person and have committed relationships with more than one person. I know that that doesn't float most people's boat. But there ARE a lot of people who are wired that way. They are just as committed, caring, loving men and women. Many people view us as freaks. They are close-minded and close-hearted. It takes a special kind of person to be able to love more than one person.
I have two living sisterwives, and one deceased. I love them. Granted, I had my share of conflict with the last one. We never were able to move past our differences. Or more aptly, I was not willing to compromise who I was to fit her mold. I did not like the person I was becoming around her. I was losing myself, and that was scary. I don't feel that way with the other two wives. ES and I were just too different. I firmly believe that if the four of us had lived under one roof, it would have been more balanced. ES would have found a formidable match with K and S. They are very out-spoken, strong women. Maybe I would have grown a back-bone.
It was one of ES's biggest pet-peeves when it came to me. I was close-mouthed when I disagreed with her, letting her always have her way, even when it made me unhappy or I thought it was unreasonable. Too late to work it out now. I just needed time, but she didn't have time to wait for me. I will never know if we could have found a middle ground.
At the moment, there are no laws to recognize us as a family. Zip, nada, zilch. Maybe, just maybe, this momentous move by the U.N. will move us in the right direction. Maybe there is hope for humanity...
Here is a link to the story if you have not yet read it:
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sing with me....
To the tune of "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" by Tammy Wynette
I-M B-O-R-E-D
Stuck in this house everyday
Me and hubby B-U-D
Can't get a minute of peace
I want to help, Mike and Carol you see
But my sanity's slipping away
So for now, I guess my motto will be
I-M B-O-R-E-D
Okay, can you tell I am bored? I sooooooooooo want to sleep in until noon. Just once! But as soon as it is 8am, I know I have to get up or the whole day falls behind.
Getting Mike up for breakfast is a major ordeal. He generally is wet from head to toe, so he needs to be washed up, and his bedding changed. It is a process: from bed to commode, from commode to wheelchair, eat breakfast, then from wheelchair to recliner (if he doesn't have to go to the bathroom again. The poor man's bladder is unrealiable).
Carol is still in the hospital. I feel bad for her, but she needs to heal before she comes home. Too many germies here, and I really don't want her to get another infection. Unfortunately, that means long trips to Tuscaloosa, and that eats up the whole day (an hour there, and hour to eat, an hour or more with Carol, and an hour home).
This is taking a toll on my body and mind. Mike wants to watch the western channel, so the tv stays on the entire time he is up. I am not used to the TV being on 24-7. It is mind numbing. I try to do my reading for school, but I can't read or study with the tv on, and there is no where in this small house to go that you can drown it out. Don't know how I am going to get my paper done this weekend....
I know, poor me, poor me. I am just venting. I am thankful. And they truly need the help. I just want them both to get well so I can do an earnest job search and we can get our own place.
Until then, I will probably be bitchin' and moanin' about every little thing. Poor Bud has to listen to me whine about my back. I am sure he is getting more than sick of it. He had to listen to ES and all her aches and pains. Now he has to listen to me....I try not to complain too much, but I know he is getting tired of hearing it. I'M getting tired of hearing me moan and groan!
This is probably Karma kicking my ass. I got sick to death listening to ES complain about the doctors not giving her narcotics. I don't want narcotics. Unlike ES, I don't believe that doctors need to make us "pain free". The pain is part of life. It is part of the aging process. The body wears out. I just want to be at a level of pain where I can function.
I'll just pop some Goody's and get on the heating pad if it gets too bad. Pain becomes part of the routine.
Man, I sure can get off track with my ramblings! I need to go get myself mentally prepared for this day.
Toodles!
I-M B-O-R-E-D
Stuck in this house everyday
Me and hubby B-U-D
Can't get a minute of peace
I want to help, Mike and Carol you see
But my sanity's slipping away
So for now, I guess my motto will be
I-M B-O-R-E-D
Okay, can you tell I am bored? I sooooooooooo want to sleep in until noon. Just once! But as soon as it is 8am, I know I have to get up or the whole day falls behind.
Getting Mike up for breakfast is a major ordeal. He generally is wet from head to toe, so he needs to be washed up, and his bedding changed. It is a process: from bed to commode, from commode to wheelchair, eat breakfast, then from wheelchair to recliner (if he doesn't have to go to the bathroom again. The poor man's bladder is unrealiable).
Carol is still in the hospital. I feel bad for her, but she needs to heal before she comes home. Too many germies here, and I really don't want her to get another infection. Unfortunately, that means long trips to Tuscaloosa, and that eats up the whole day (an hour there, and hour to eat, an hour or more with Carol, and an hour home).
This is taking a toll on my body and mind. Mike wants to watch the western channel, so the tv stays on the entire time he is up. I am not used to the TV being on 24-7. It is mind numbing. I try to do my reading for school, but I can't read or study with the tv on, and there is no where in this small house to go that you can drown it out. Don't know how I am going to get my paper done this weekend....
I know, poor me, poor me. I am just venting. I am thankful. And they truly need the help. I just want them both to get well so I can do an earnest job search and we can get our own place.
Until then, I will probably be bitchin' and moanin' about every little thing. Poor Bud has to listen to me whine about my back. I am sure he is getting more than sick of it. He had to listen to ES and all her aches and pains. Now he has to listen to me....I try not to complain too much, but I know he is getting tired of hearing it. I'M getting tired of hearing me moan and groan!
This is probably Karma kicking my ass. I got sick to death listening to ES complain about the doctors not giving her narcotics. I don't want narcotics. Unlike ES, I don't believe that doctors need to make us "pain free". The pain is part of life. It is part of the aging process. The body wears out. I just want to be at a level of pain where I can function.
I'll just pop some Goody's and get on the heating pad if it gets too bad. Pain becomes part of the routine.
Man, I sure can get off track with my ramblings! I need to go get myself mentally prepared for this day.
Toodles!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas
Trying to keep in mind the holiday and the spirit if the season, but it has been hard. Losing your job just before Christmas bites! I know I am not the only one, and I know there are people much worse off than we are. All this weeding has made me a bit glum.
Yesterday, I gave away the chicken and the hen that ES found at garage sales that decorated our kitchen in Alabama, along with a bowl of "first eggs"--the first little egg that a hen lays. My mom mentioned that by brother's girlfriend decorated with roosters, so I immediately packed them up and sent them with my mom to give to her.
Don't laugh, but there are memories tied in to that stupid plaster rooster. He sat in the window sill, along with the hen, in our kitchen window. Our rooster, Paul, would get on the Alabama hammock http://picasaweb.google.com/MoFarley/ALABAMAHAMMOCK# each night as he was rounding up the "girls" and have a fit because #1 there was another rooster to be reckoned with and #2 there was a hen who was not part of his little harem. It was the funniest thing you ever saw!
The rooster also was symbolic of ES. She told a story of seeing a native american shaman at a pow wow who told her she was a hen who was going to be a rooster. That pretty much summed up ES: she was a mother hen when it came to taking care of her family, but she was a hen who wanted to be the rooster. She had to be the boss, the one in charge, the one making all the decisions and telling others what to do. For me, that aspect of ES was disconcerting and a little intimidating. ES was always ES, but this is the one part of her personality that always rubbed me the wrong way.
I guess being normally a very passive person, it didn't bother me much--until she started bossing hubby around. That is when it bothered me. I guess it was because I naturally turned to hubby for guidance and direction. It was one thing for me to cow-tow, but quite another to see Bud doing it. I know it was a choice on his part--he chose to let her feel dominate and in charge of everything. And I did hear him say no to her on occasion, so he did draw the line. But not very often. That was very, very hard for someone as passive as me. It brought out a part of me that I never knew existed. Bud and ES both told me I was passive aggressive. Then it wasn't so passive and I started standing up for myself more and more. Or rather, standing up to ES.
I always felt like I was being bullied, and I just got tired of it. In retrospect, she was just very, very assertive, and it felt like bullying. I just know I didn't like it.
For anyone reading, I am sure that you are thinking that this is a blog for me to bitch about ES, which is pretty low, considering the woman is deceased. I think I need to do this as a catharsis--so I can get beyond my anger and remember all the good about ES. And there were a lot of great memories. They are buried in all the bullshit right now. You will hear about them. Or you can read more on the blog ES and I did together: http://bamagalskitchen.blogspot.com/
Yesterday, I gave away the chicken and the hen that ES found at garage sales that decorated our kitchen in Alabama, along with a bowl of "first eggs"--the first little egg that a hen lays. My mom mentioned that by brother's girlfriend decorated with roosters, so I immediately packed them up and sent them with my mom to give to her.
Don't laugh, but there are memories tied in to that stupid plaster rooster. He sat in the window sill, along with the hen, in our kitchen window. Our rooster, Paul, would get on the Alabama hammock http://picasaweb.google.com/MoFarley/ALABAMAHAMMOCK# each night as he was rounding up the "girls" and have a fit because #1 there was another rooster to be reckoned with and #2 there was a hen who was not part of his little harem. It was the funniest thing you ever saw!
The rooster also was symbolic of ES. She told a story of seeing a native american shaman at a pow wow who told her she was a hen who was going to be a rooster. That pretty much summed up ES: she was a mother hen when it came to taking care of her family, but she was a hen who wanted to be the rooster. She had to be the boss, the one in charge, the one making all the decisions and telling others what to do. For me, that aspect of ES was disconcerting and a little intimidating. ES was always ES, but this is the one part of her personality that always rubbed me the wrong way.
I guess being normally a very passive person, it didn't bother me much--until she started bossing hubby around. That is when it bothered me. I guess it was because I naturally turned to hubby for guidance and direction. It was one thing for me to cow-tow, but quite another to see Bud doing it. I know it was a choice on his part--he chose to let her feel dominate and in charge of everything. And I did hear him say no to her on occasion, so he did draw the line. But not very often. That was very, very hard for someone as passive as me. It brought out a part of me that I never knew existed. Bud and ES both told me I was passive aggressive. Then it wasn't so passive and I started standing up for myself more and more. Or rather, standing up to ES.
I always felt like I was being bullied, and I just got tired of it. In retrospect, she was just very, very assertive, and it felt like bullying. I just know I didn't like it.
For anyone reading, I am sure that you are thinking that this is a blog for me to bitch about ES, which is pretty low, considering the woman is deceased. I think I need to do this as a catharsis--so I can get beyond my anger and remember all the good about ES. And there were a lot of great memories. They are buried in all the bullshit right now. You will hear about them. Or you can read more on the blog ES and I did together: http://bamagalskitchen.blogspot.com/
Plus, it is cheaper than therapy, and since my insurance runs out on the 30th, I will need all the cheap therapy I can get!
Wow--it is amazing how I can get off on wild tangents like that. We are heading to MILs for x-mas. My mom stopped by last night with a card and $50. She is worried about us. I also had one of my former employees call to wish me Merry Christmas and to bawl about how much she missed me. sigh.
I will be glad when the holiday is over. Just too depressing this year.
I hope anyone reading this has a joyous holiday surrounded by the love of friends and family.
~D
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My Elusive Degree and Other Ramblings
I was a college drop-out. I was an unwed mother, and I needed to work to support my child. 29 years later, I decided to go back to school. Things sure have changed!
Let's see, in 1985, we were using Commodore 64 computers with 5" floppy disks. Does anyone out there remember those oldie but goodies? And internet--what internet? Didn't exist. We did research the old-fashioned way: in the library.
Now, I am taking all my classes online in a distance learning program. Try doing that when you are working 70+ hours a week! At times, I have felt like my head was going to explode. I have managed to keep a 3.5 average. I even made the Dean's list at some point!
I still have a year to go. When you are only taking 4 classes a semester, it is slow going. And it didn't help that I changed majors, and that a lot of my credits didn't transfer. but I WILL get it done, one way or another. It is almost an obsession with me (not unlike POGO, but that is for another post). Not that having that degree is going to make a difference in my job hunt. Not really. With the economy the way it is, there are lots and lots of degreed individuals competing for jobs for which they are over-qualified. No, it is just about completion for me. I like having things done, and this has been something I left undone for a long, long time.
At times, I feared hubby would divorce me over my schooling. I would come home from work and immediately put my nose in a book, staying up late to get homework done. I will just be glad to have it done. I am learning a lot, though, so that is a plus...
When ES was still around, I think she was a little jealous of me being in school, or maybe even a little bit threatened. She was the know-it-all, and by god, you sure didn't argue with her, because she was always right! That didn't make going to school any easier. It wasn't about them, though. It was something I needed to do for me. Selfish as it may be, I have to do this.
I remember her throwing it in my face during one heated argument. She basically told me that I was an educated snob. That really hurt, especially since she had bent over backwards to make sure her kids went to college, because she knew how important an education is.
Don't get me wrong. I really did love ES, once upon a time. I loved her so much, her words would just devastate me. The ES years were so turbulent. We were just too different, and I was not strong enough to stand my ground with her. She was a very dominant personality. When she got sick, she changed. In the end, she had let the illnesses win. She just gave up, and it was unbearable to witness. She would go days without bathing, and she would hole up in her room, barely speaking to anyone. I am ashamed to say it now, but I was glad when she made the choice to leave. She had withdrawn so much from the family, she was hardly recognizable, and refused any help. And it sure didn't help that she blamed me for everything...
A little education goes a long way. The Lyme's disease would never have been diagnosed if ES hadn't gone online to figure out what and the heck was wrong with her. Unfortunately, it was too little too late; she was already stage IV when the official diagnosis was made. She was diagnosed with diabetes and PAD shortly after that. Within 6 months, she lost her leg.
I just found out that I am borderline diabetes. Not a surprise, as I am obese. I am not, however, going to go down the same path as ES. For one thing, I am a non-smoker (except for the second hand smoke I breath daily). I am not going to eat myself into the grave. I am not going to lay in bed or on the couch for hours at a time, no matter how much my arthritis may be hurting. I am not going to blame other people or doctors or the tobacco companies or the fast food industry for my current state. I am blaming me. I am not making excuses or pointing fingers. A little education goes a long way...
I harbor a lot of anger and resentment, and that is not healthy. I need to let that crap go before it eats at me as well. ES is gone. I will never be able to tell her how she made me feel. But that was my choice. Her last words to me were: " You know I would really like to know what the I did to cause you so much pain?" I never answered her. It would have been far too painful for me to rehash everything, and I had become so used to her belittling my feelings, I didn't think it was worth the pain. Now I wish I would have, if for no other reason that to get it out instead of internalizing it.
I never wished her any ill will. I certainly did not wish her the pain and suffering she went through, both physical and emotional. I am stymied by my reaction to her death. I feel......nothing. And that really bothers me. No pain, sorrow, remorse, regret. Just, nothing. I thought maybe it was because I was in shock. But I am not really shocked or surprised. What does that say about me as a person? Have I lost the capacity to give a damn? Am I evil?
I am certain that she hated me to the core. I am also sure her family hates me as well. Just as well. If I can't even find any feelings in me at all for her, that says a lot. How can you feel indifference for someone you loved and cared about? I should feel SOMETHING, for cryin' out loud.
Maybe I need some couch-time with a psychobabbler....
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