It is amazing how the body can manifest physical symptoms of stress. Bud and I have both been suffering from back issues--his is his lower back, and mine is more in the thorax region. It was so bad for me last week, I had to miss a day of work and have Bud take me to the ER--just got the bill, and THAT just doubled my stress!
We are also taking our stress to bed with us. We have both suffered from fitful nights these last several weeks. For Bud, it has taken a turn to violent outburst when he is in the deepest sleep. Usually it is the yelling that wakes me up, but sometimes, it is the blows. Lately, he has taken to beating the shit out of a particular family member in his dreams each night. Unfortunately, he physically acts out his dream, and some nights, I have to jump out of bed fast!f
Bud, or course, feels awful that he had been taking swings at me in the dark as he beats the tar out of this person. I find it intriguing that Bud's sub-conscious has decided the best way to relieve the stress is to punch the living daylights out of this person--dream therapy? We can do things in our dreams that we really can't act out in reality (translated: vindication in dream state, prison term in reality).
I have been having dreams about my son on almost a nightly basis. One night, he was a young warlock who wasn't able to control his immense powers; another night, he was just a little kid who ends up being punished in a way for something that was really my fault; in yet another, we were helping him move, and I realized he had so little to actually move, it made me sad.
As Bud's doctor pointed out, we need to focus on the stuff we can control, and stop stressing about the things beyond our control. We have a roof over our head; we are not starving; we have electric and water and a toilet that flushes; we have transportation; we have friends; we have family; we have each other. The rest? It is just stuff. We can't control it, so we need to just let it go as best we can and concentrate on the things that bring us peace.
I had just started riding my bike and doing yoga when this back stuff started to flair up. I am going to try and start back with the yoga little by little, and finding time each day to just meditate on peaceful, peace-filled thoughts. Hopefully, the new sleep medication will help Bud to have a tension-less night so he can get a real night's sleep. Maybe, just maybe, we can release the stress, and it will release its grip on our backs.
To the things I can't control: Kiss my ass!
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
It's the Little Things...
While I have been mourning the fact that one of the few bloggers I follow is not going to be blogging much any more, another, who stopped blogging back in December, resurrected her blog, and that made me very happy. She is such a fantastic writer--love her wit! I am glad she is back.
I also had a great dream last night involving a wonder home that we were looking to rent. The woman renting the place said we didn't have to pay rent for the next seven months, because the the previous tenants had paid that far ahead, and didn't leave a forwarding address for her to send the rebate check. The only condition she had was that we clean it before moving in. We took the tour of it, and wasn't too bad, just needed a good once over and the carpet cleaned. (For the record, Bud and I re-cleaned any apartment or home before we moved in, as you just never know...).
The cool thing was that the home was fully furnished, and not with cheapy furniture, either. It even had dishes, pots and pans, etc. The only thing we needed to move in was our clothing and personal items! It was so cool, too--it was actually a duplex, but instead of side by side it was front and back. The front was empty, too, and my step-sister was going to move in to it with her daughter (in my dream, the rental was owned by a member of her church--that is how we found out about it). While the woman was giving Bud and I a tour of the back unit, her son was giving my step-sister a tour of the front half.
I felt bad, because our side overlooked a beautiful lake, and her side would face the road, but she told me not to worry, because she and the son really hit it off. Turns out they had dated on and off over the years, and were reconnecting. He owned a huge house down on the lake, and he had invited her to come live with him, no strings.
Our side was set up pretty cool. The entrance took you directly into the kitchen. Not the kitchen of my dreams, but it was as small as some of the kitchens we have had in the past. Beyond the kitchen was the dining room and living rooms, with a staircase that went to the lower level. At the back of the unit was a bedroom and a bathroom. The lower level was a finished walk-out style basement, and it was obvious it had only recently been remodeled. It had three bedrooms (fully furnished, one with bunk beds) that opened to a large family room. Off the family room was a well-appointed laundry room with a new washer and dryer. The family room had a slider that opened to a walk-out patio with patio furniture and a fire pit, and that view of the lake.
I woke up thinking, "I want that house"! I am in such a good mood, feeling positive and hopeful. I had went to sleep feeling stuck and depressed (this house is sooooooo small, it feels like we are constantly on top of one another).
Maybe things are about to change for us...fingers crossed!
I also had a great dream last night involving a wonder home that we were looking to rent. The woman renting the place said we didn't have to pay rent for the next seven months, because the the previous tenants had paid that far ahead, and didn't leave a forwarding address for her to send the rebate check. The only condition she had was that we clean it before moving in. We took the tour of it, and wasn't too bad, just needed a good once over and the carpet cleaned. (For the record, Bud and I re-cleaned any apartment or home before we moved in, as you just never know...).
The cool thing was that the home was fully furnished, and not with cheapy furniture, either. It even had dishes, pots and pans, etc. The only thing we needed to move in was our clothing and personal items! It was so cool, too--it was actually a duplex, but instead of side by side it was front and back. The front was empty, too, and my step-sister was going to move in to it with her daughter (in my dream, the rental was owned by a member of her church--that is how we found out about it). While the woman was giving Bud and I a tour of the back unit, her son was giving my step-sister a tour of the front half.
I felt bad, because our side overlooked a beautiful lake, and her side would face the road, but she told me not to worry, because she and the son really hit it off. Turns out they had dated on and off over the years, and were reconnecting. He owned a huge house down on the lake, and he had invited her to come live with him, no strings.
Our side was set up pretty cool. The entrance took you directly into the kitchen. Not the kitchen of my dreams, but it was as small as some of the kitchens we have had in the past. Beyond the kitchen was the dining room and living rooms, with a staircase that went to the lower level. At the back of the unit was a bedroom and a bathroom. The lower level was a finished walk-out style basement, and it was obvious it had only recently been remodeled. It had three bedrooms (fully furnished, one with bunk beds) that opened to a large family room. Off the family room was a well-appointed laundry room with a new washer and dryer. The family room had a slider that opened to a walk-out patio with patio furniture and a fire pit, and that view of the lake.
I woke up thinking, "I want that house"! I am in such a good mood, feeling positive and hopeful. I had went to sleep feeling stuck and depressed (this house is sooooooo small, it feels like we are constantly on top of one another).
Maybe things are about to change for us...fingers crossed!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Clawing My Way Back to the Land of the Living
In an effort to "stabilize", I have been trying to do more outside these days. I planted strawberries (I won! MIL conceded and allowed me to plant them where I wanted to in the first place.), morning glories along the fence row, honeysuckle and jasmine alone the other fence row, butterfly bushes, hummingbird vines...my way to keep busy and not fall into a pit of madness.
I couldn't grab the camera fast enough to get a picture.
I hung hummingbird feeders over a month ago, and we finally had our first visitor yesterday. He looked like this one:
I couldn't grab the camera fast enough to get a picture.
He sure was a pretty one, though! I don't know if it was a scout or not, I just hope he gets the word out that we are feeding his kind!
It is going to be a bad year for ticks. I have already pulled three off of me in the last two days--not a good start. Need to start the dogs on Frontline asap!
Still no job, and I still have hemorrhoids, if anyone is keeping track. Lordy, why does aging have to be so undignified at times?
I am heading out now to enjoy the last of the sunlight and see if I can catch another glimpse of hummingbirds.
Sorry I have been in such a negative funk. I know things will get better eventually--they always do.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Waiting
I have plastered this section of the state with applications and resumes. I got my first "official" rejection letter today. Sadly, most businesses do not have the common courtesy to let applicants know they have not been selected. Most of them state they save money by not sending out rejection letters. I know when I was a manager, I told each and every candidate I interviewed that I would call them, regardless if I hired them or not. I figure it is the very least an employer can do. I have been on the other end, and I know what waiting can be like.
I am still going to substitute teach as soon as the background check comes back and I get the go-ahead to start accepting substitute slots. NOT looking forward to driving to the very rural school districts in Michigan winter. UGH!
The only thing with substitute teaching is it is not a sure gig. Some weeks, I may work 5 days, some, I may not work any. The network is built so that those who have established themselves as trustworthy subs get called first. Since I am a newbie, I am quite a way down the calling list. Still, it is something. It is income, and it is doing something worthwhile. MIL says there is no way she would ever step foot in a classroom; I, however, have always loved education. I love seeing the spark when a child grasps a concept and the confidence it builds.
Even when I was a high school student, I volunteered a free period to be a student cadet teacher, as they were called. I got to go down to the elementary and middle school (schools were all on the same campus) and help a teacher for an hour. Many times, it was to the elementary school to help kids struggling with reading; sometimes, it was helping middle school students struggling with math.
As an adult, I volunteered in my son's elementary and middle school. For those who don't know what a middle school is, it is essentially upper elementary combined with junior high--usually 5th through 8th grades. My son has socialization and behavioural issues due to mental illnesses. Being in his classroom often helped keep him focused and stabilized. Part of the problem, we learned, was my son is very intelligent and was not being challenged. He instead used his energy to act out. I think dealing with the challenged of raising my son helped prepare me for the challenges that lay ahead in the classroom.
I just know that I am getting ants in the pants because of our finances. I need to be generating income ASAP. I can see how stressed out my hubby is due to money. That and dealing with winter (4-7 inches due tonight) is depressing both of us.
I am still putting out applications on a daily basis. Someone will hire me at some point. It is the waiting that is killing me...
I am still going to substitute teach as soon as the background check comes back and I get the go-ahead to start accepting substitute slots. NOT looking forward to driving to the very rural school districts in Michigan winter. UGH!
The only thing with substitute teaching is it is not a sure gig. Some weeks, I may work 5 days, some, I may not work any. The network is built so that those who have established themselves as trustworthy subs get called first. Since I am a newbie, I am quite a way down the calling list. Still, it is something. It is income, and it is doing something worthwhile. MIL says there is no way she would ever step foot in a classroom; I, however, have always loved education. I love seeing the spark when a child grasps a concept and the confidence it builds.
Even when I was a high school student, I volunteered a free period to be a student cadet teacher, as they were called. I got to go down to the elementary and middle school (schools were all on the same campus) and help a teacher for an hour. Many times, it was to the elementary school to help kids struggling with reading; sometimes, it was helping middle school students struggling with math.
As an adult, I volunteered in my son's elementary and middle school. For those who don't know what a middle school is, it is essentially upper elementary combined with junior high--usually 5th through 8th grades. My son has socialization and behavioural issues due to mental illnesses. Being in his classroom often helped keep him focused and stabilized. Part of the problem, we learned, was my son is very intelligent and was not being challenged. He instead used his energy to act out. I think dealing with the challenged of raising my son helped prepare me for the challenges that lay ahead in the classroom.
I just know that I am getting ants in the pants because of our finances. I need to be generating income ASAP. I can see how stressed out my hubby is due to money. That and dealing with winter (4-7 inches due tonight) is depressing both of us.
I am still putting out applications on a daily basis. Someone will hire me at some point. It is the waiting that is killing me...
Friday, November 11, 2011
The S Word 2011
And so it starts...I wish I could hibernate through winter and wake up in the Spring! I know I am not posting much, but I am neck deep into week three of the semester--my LAST semester!
Not looking forward to driving MIL into town for dialysis in this Sh...I mean stuff. Guess she would rather not go to dialysis, so I won't complain too much...
Bud is out with the snow shovel we bought yesterday, getting the sidewalks cleared and cleaning the car off. Is it April, yet??????
Not looking forward to driving MIL into town for dialysis in this Sh...I mean stuff. Guess she would rather not go to dialysis, so I won't complain too much...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Because God evidently doesn't think we have enough stress....
MIL is in the hospital. We took her to the ER at 3am on Monday morning, as she was having chest pains. They took her by ambulance to Borgess Hospital in Kzoo, and they did a heart cath. Turns out, she has three major blockages and and needs bypass surgery.
So now the poor woman has to deal with both dialysis and having her chest cracked open on Friday. She is taking it amazingly well. She is of course scared, but she has accepted that it has to be done and there is not a whole lot she can do about it.
This is a major deja vu for me--takes me back to when ES was in T-town and had her leg amputated. Drove 45 miles every day after work to go see her while she was in the hospital. Guess how far Kzoo is from here? Yup, just over 45 miles. At least this time, Bud and I are dealing with it together. When ES was int he hospital, if you were a follower of the other blog, the Self-Sustaining Kitchen( http://bamagalskitchen.blogspot.com/ --it is still up and running--go there for a lot of background and more on this storyline), you know that right after ES had the amputation, Bud had to rush to Michigan because his mom had had a heart attack, and his dad was in the hospital as well...not a pleasant time in our lives to say the least.
Mom is scheduled to have surgery on Friday, and Bud and I have been operating on little to no sleep; calling friends and family to keep them updated; trying to not have meltdown. I just did all the homework for one of my classes in record speed. My brain is thoroughly fried.
MIL, ever the worrier, is focusing not on her pending surgery, but rather on the fact that she was supposed to get her car serviced on Friday, was supposed to meet a friend for lunch this week, and oh, yeah, Peanut, the Jekyll-Hyde dog, was supposed to go get her annual booster shots. Not to mention that she had a ton of crafting projects she was working on that she had planned on finishing...gotta love her. She is obsessive-compulsive-and-very-likely-insane.
Keep her in your thoughts, everyone--all three of you intrepid followers!
So now the poor woman has to deal with both dialysis and having her chest cracked open on Friday. She is taking it amazingly well. She is of course scared, but she has accepted that it has to be done and there is not a whole lot she can do about it.
This is a major deja vu for me--takes me back to when ES was in T-town and had her leg amputated. Drove 45 miles every day after work to go see her while she was in the hospital. Guess how far Kzoo is from here? Yup, just over 45 miles. At least this time, Bud and I are dealing with it together. When ES was int he hospital, if you were a follower of the other blog, the Self-Sustaining Kitchen( http://bamagalskitchen.blogspot.com/ --it is still up and running--go there for a lot of background and more on this storyline), you know that right after ES had the amputation, Bud had to rush to Michigan because his mom had had a heart attack, and his dad was in the hospital as well...not a pleasant time in our lives to say the least.
Mom is scheduled to have surgery on Friday, and Bud and I have been operating on little to no sleep; calling friends and family to keep them updated; trying to not have meltdown. I just did all the homework for one of my classes in record speed. My brain is thoroughly fried.
MIL, ever the worrier, is focusing not on her pending surgery, but rather on the fact that she was supposed to get her car serviced on Friday, was supposed to meet a friend for lunch this week, and oh, yeah, Peanut, the Jekyll-Hyde dog, was supposed to go get her annual booster shots. Not to mention that she had a ton of crafting projects she was working on that she had planned on finishing...gotta love her. She is obsessive-compulsive-and-very-likely-insane.
Keep her in your thoughts, everyone--all three of you intrepid followers!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
What the What?!?!?!?!
I am taking a finance class this semester, one that I previously gave up in around the 4th week and took a big fat "F" in as a result. I took it last year when my FIL committed suicide, and dealing with that took too much out of me to even think about completing the class.
This time around, I am trying hard to stay focused on it. Not an easy task. We are now talking about the time value of money--in other words, taking advantage of investing opportunities and discounts. I find myself completely lost most of the time, and I ask LOTS of questions. I am sure the professor thinks I am a total idiot: "So, Ms. Weiser, you want to go into the business field? I would advise getting an accountant to help you out..."
Okay, he didn't say that, but boy, do I feel like I am just not getting it! I will be glad when this class is over. I will be glad when ALL my classes are over for a while. I keep telling myself that I will go back and get my MBA at some point, but do I really need to pursue a masters when I am approaching my geriatric years? I will never be a Donald Trump, but I would like to think that my education is an investment that will lead to a greater return in the future. Gee, maybe I am getting this concept of the time value of money...they sure are taking enough of it right now!
We are Broke with a capital "B" right now--can't even run to town to buy a paper, as we don't have the gas to burn, and we don't have the 75 cents for a paper. BUT--we have a roof over our heads, and there is food in the house, so I am NOT bitchin'. It just feels aweful to have no money in the bank, no money in my billfold, and social security benefits are drying up faster than a rain puddle in mid-August. Let's not go there. My mental health is hanging by a thread these days, and I don't have the dexterity anymore to tie a knot...
This time around, I am trying hard to stay focused on it. Not an easy task. We are now talking about the time value of money--in other words, taking advantage of investing opportunities and discounts. I find myself completely lost most of the time, and I ask LOTS of questions. I am sure the professor thinks I am a total idiot: "So, Ms. Weiser, you want to go into the business field? I would advise getting an accountant to help you out..."
Okay, he didn't say that, but boy, do I feel like I am just not getting it! I will be glad when this class is over. I will be glad when ALL my classes are over for a while. I keep telling myself that I will go back and get my MBA at some point, but do I really need to pursue a masters when I am approaching my geriatric years? I will never be a Donald Trump, but I would like to think that my education is an investment that will lead to a greater return in the future. Gee, maybe I am getting this concept of the time value of money...they sure are taking enough of it right now!
We are Broke with a capital "B" right now--can't even run to town to buy a paper, as we don't have the gas to burn, and we don't have the 75 cents for a paper. BUT--we have a roof over our heads, and there is food in the house, so I am NOT bitchin'. It just feels aweful to have no money in the bank, no money in my billfold, and social security benefits are drying up faster than a rain puddle in mid-August. Let's not go there. My mental health is hanging by a thread these days, and I don't have the dexterity anymore to tie a knot...
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Term Papers--an experiment with procrastination
Well, one term paper down, one to go. They were both assigned 3 weeks ago, and both are due tomorrow by midnight. I had every intention of not waiting until the last conceivable minute to do them, and honestly, I did better this time than I have ever done in the past.
I actually did start researching my papers two weeks ago, saving links to websites I thought I could use in folders labeled for each class. That is something I haven't done before. When it comes to actually writing, however, I always, ALWAYS wait until the 11th hour to get them done.
I don't know why I do it. The stress builds until I think my head is going to explode. But it has become a ritual of mine. A few semesters ago, I wrote one paper two hours before it was due. I got a 94% on it. I didn't even spell/grammar check it, as I got it done two minutes before it was due, so I just submitted it as is.
I told Bud that I think I could do term paper writing for a living. No joke. No matter how much of a rush job I do, I always get a 90% or better on my papers. I actually like the research, and I like composing. I think I even like a little bull-sh*ting, too, to amuse myself. So why wait until the last minute?
I think it has something to do with liking challenges. Spending 3 weeks researching and writing a paper is not a challenge. Getting a quality, 3000 word paper done in 3 days, now THAT is a challenge! Unfortunately, as my previous posts confirms, it also ads beau coup stress and anxiety, not to mention loss of sleep. (thank you, hubby, for the sleeping pill last night. I slept soundly--but boy, did I have some strange dreams!)
As you can see, I am procrastinating as we speak. The other paper still needs to be written. I have already taken two breaks--one to vacuum the house and put up a broom/mop organizer, the other to make myself some lunch. Bud and MIL went to an RV show to give me some quiet, focused time to get my work done, and it has helped immensely. Still hasn't stopped me from procrastinating.
Sigh. Okay, okay, I am heading back to the other computer terminal to get the other paper going. (it is technically started, I have several websites bookmarked.)
***I got a 99.6% on my first paper. Did I not tell you I am a paper writing fool? Just turned in my second term paper at 10:35pm Sunday--it had to be in by 11:59pm. Look how much time I had left!***
***100% on my second term paper. nuf said...***
I actually did start researching my papers two weeks ago, saving links to websites I thought I could use in folders labeled for each class. That is something I haven't done before. When it comes to actually writing, however, I always, ALWAYS wait until the 11th hour to get them done.
I don't know why I do it. The stress builds until I think my head is going to explode. But it has become a ritual of mine. A few semesters ago, I wrote one paper two hours before it was due. I got a 94% on it. I didn't even spell/grammar check it, as I got it done two minutes before it was due, so I just submitted it as is.
I told Bud that I think I could do term paper writing for a living. No joke. No matter how much of a rush job I do, I always get a 90% or better on my papers. I actually like the research, and I like composing. I think I even like a little bull-sh*ting, too, to amuse myself. So why wait until the last minute?
I think it has something to do with liking challenges. Spending 3 weeks researching and writing a paper is not a challenge. Getting a quality, 3000 word paper done in 3 days, now THAT is a challenge! Unfortunately, as my previous posts confirms, it also ads beau coup stress and anxiety, not to mention loss of sleep. (thank you, hubby, for the sleeping pill last night. I slept soundly--but boy, did I have some strange dreams!)
As you can see, I am procrastinating as we speak. The other paper still needs to be written. I have already taken two breaks--one to vacuum the house and put up a broom/mop organizer, the other to make myself some lunch. Bud and MIL went to an RV show to give me some quiet, focused time to get my work done, and it has helped immensely. Still hasn't stopped me from procrastinating.
Sigh. Okay, okay, I am heading back to the other computer terminal to get the other paper going. (it is technically started, I have several websites bookmarked.)
***I got a 99.6% on my first paper. Did I not tell you I am a paper writing fool? Just turned in my second term paper at 10:35pm Sunday--it had to be in by 11:59pm. Look how much time I had left!***
***100% on my second term paper. nuf said...***
Friday, August 19, 2011
Insomnia
I really, really, REALLY want to be asleep right now. This is day three of insomnia. I am dog tired, but as soon as I hit the bed, my mind starts to race, and I get jittery. I can feel every corpuscle in my body, and it is driving me insane.
I literally can feel the blood flowing through my veins. I am stressed, because I have two HUGE term papers due, and I have zero alone time except at night when I am too tired to focus on that shit. So I instead toss and turn in bed and think, "maybe Bud will sleep in, and I can get my butt up as soon as MIL leaves for dialysis. That will give me 5 hours of uninterrupted computer time."
My plan had been to go to the library on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I wasn't being distracted. Unfortunately, being broke and having the van running iffy at best has prevented me from going.
I can already see my obit: "...died from stressing out over term papers."
I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel like my body is humming like a taught wire. NOT a good feeling. I took a muscle relaxant, as it usually knocks me out. Hell, it didn't even help the pain, let alone put me out.
Grrrrrrrrrrrr! My jaw hurts from being clenched. Stress much?
Hubby just got up to pee. I envy his snoring. I should have taken a nap today--then I would be fresh enough to tackle some homework.
Geez, am I a whiner or what?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)