Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Where did all this sh*t come from????

We have weeded through no less than a dozen boxes, and pitched most of it. Garbage was emptied yesterday, but we managed to fill the sucker back up today. I feel like we haven't made a dent!

We have given away volumes of furnishings, but we still have so much "stuff". Honestly--I found a box of paystubs and receipts from 1995. We lugged that from Michigan to Alabama and back again. Well, no more. In the garbage it went.

In the last few days of panic before we move--AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby's in bed sleeping, but I can't sleep. Neighbors are feeling the need to blast boom-boom music. Evidently there is no such thing as too much bass....

Gotta win the friggin' lotto.....

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Unemployment Office

The Unemployment System, in my estimations, was designed to cause normal, law-abiding citizens to either kill themselves or kill someone else. Either way, it is one less person to have to pay benefits to....

I have been trying to get registered for unemployment without success. I can't do it online, as I worked in another state within the last 18 months. Every time I call the automated system, I am told that the system is unavailable (only after entering a shit-load of info that of course is not saved).

I called at my allotted time this morning, only to hear that all lines were busy, good-bye. Of course, I had to listen to a two minute pre-recorded schpeel about extended benefits. Can't get the benefits if I can't get registered! THAT is their evil plan. Make it impossible to get registered in the first place, or as I stated above, make the average man snap from frustration.

I have never filed for unemployment before, so this is all new to me. I know back in the day, you had to go down to the unemployment office. Now they want to make sure you have as little human contact as possible--either go to the website or call the automated system.

This just throws my whole day off. I have a to do list, for cryin' out loud!

We also have to wash and clean out the car to return it. No money means no car payment, so sayonara car. We have to take the van to the Secretary of State to get the title and plates transferred. That is always a fun time...

And I can't procrastinate any longer. I have got to get my ass in gear and start bringing stuff up from the basement that is going in to storage and get the office boxed up. sigh. Fun times!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Morning After

Talk about getting nothing accomplished! Our dog, Ghost, was sick as a (forgive me) dog last night, puking and projectile shitting all night. Neither one of us got much sleep.

Bud did manage to go through several boxes of junk in the basement today in an attempt to weed out. I didn't do diddly but seal up a box of clothes.

My goal was to go through all the crap in the office and consolidate it to one small box. Not going to be a small undertaking. And not going to happen tonight. I have ZERO ambition.

We ended up taking a 4 hour nap, and I am still feeling lethargic. I had a weird-ass dream. Bare with me:

Bud blind-folded me, then inserted something phallic-like in me. He then asked me what color it was, and I guessed red. I then hear him talking to another person: "As I suspected, the female of the species has innate intuitive powers...." I realized that hubby was an alien and that he was doing experiments on me!

The dream isn't that out there, considering that I am certain that aliens regularly have performed experiments on me throughout my life....seriously! You may think I am a nut-job, but I cannot explain the weird stuff that has happened over the years. It seems the more logical explanation. I will share more on this in another post.

Sooooo, I blog to get this shit out. Lucky you! I am off to watch King of the Hill episodes on because that is at the top of the importance list:

  • watch King of the Hill

  • weed through possessions until we are down to what will fit in a van

  • find a job

  • find a place to live

  • have a major psychotic episode when I realize the magnitude of what we are about to undertake

Yep, I am right on track!

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Went to MILs for Christmas dinner, and my BIL has a Wii. I have never had the opportunity to play on a Wii, and let me tell you, it was FUN! MIL and I played bowling and golf, and laughed our asses off the whole time.

It felt good not to focus on what lies ahead. A little fun goes a long way. Hubby and BIL got drunk as skunks, sitting out in the freezing cold "smoke room"--mom-in-law does not permit smoking in the house, so anyone who smokes gets banished to the unheated room off the kitchen. It is like a freezer in the winter and a freakin' sauna in the summer. So glad I don't smoke....

Had a great meal to boot: Ham, mashed potatoes, homemade beef and noodles, slaw, cranberry relish, rolls, dressing, pie, cookies, etc, etc, etc. We are STUFFED! Plus, we got to take home leftovers--yay!

Hope everyone out in cyberland had a great holiday with their families as well. Merry merry!

Holiday Dressing

This can be used for stuffing as well, and actually tastes better out of the bird or chops--plus it gives the meat a great flavor as well.

This was a recipe my Aunt Joyce used to make. It is a very hearty sausage dressing--very German. It is oh-so-good!

1 pound ground sausage, whichever kind trips your trigger. I like the HOT kind

1 pound ground beef or ground turkey

1 large onion, diced

three stalks of celery, diced

1 bag unseasoned stuffing croutons

1 bag seasoned stuffing mix*

3 cans chicken broth

Salt and pepper to taste

Brown the sausage and ground beef/turkey in a large skillet. Add the onion and celery and cook until the celery is softened and the onions are semi-translucent. Set aside to cool. Place the breadcrumbs in a large bowl and mix. pour the contents of the skillet into the breadcrumbs. Note: If you use ground turkey, you will have less grease. If you use ground beef, you may have to drain off some of the grease before adding to the breadcrumbs.

Stir in three cans of chicken broth. Allow to sit long enough that the bread crumbs soak up the broth, about 10-15 minutes. Grease a 9 x 13 pan, and spoon the dressing into the pan. Bake at 350 degrees covered for 30 minutes, then for another 15 minutes uncovered to give the top and edges a bit of "crisp". Or, stuff into turkey, chicken or pork chops during the cooking.

*Pepperidge Farms seasoned breadcrumbs are the BEST for this. :o)


Merry Christmas

Trying to keep in mind the holiday and the spirit if the season, but it has been hard. Losing your job just before Christmas bites! I know I am not the only one, and I know there are people much worse off than we are. All this weeding has made me a bit glum.

Yesterday, I gave away the chicken and the hen that ES found at garage sales that decorated our kitchen in Alabama, along with a bowl of "first eggs"--the first little egg that a hen lays. My mom mentioned that by brother's girlfriend decorated with roosters, so I immediately packed them up and sent them with my mom to give to her.

Don't laugh, but there are memories tied in to that stupid plaster rooster. He sat in the window sill, along with the hen, in our kitchen window. Our rooster, Paul, would get on the Alabama hammock each night as he was rounding up the "girls" and have a fit because #1 there was another rooster to be reckoned with and #2 there was a hen who was not part of his little harem. It was the funniest thing you ever saw!

The rooster also was symbolic of ES. She told a story of seeing a native american shaman at a pow wow who told her she was a hen who was going to be a rooster. That pretty much summed up ES: she was a mother hen when it came to taking care of her family, but she was a hen who wanted to be the rooster. She had to be the boss, the one in charge, the one making all the decisions and telling others what to do. For me, that aspect of ES was disconcerting and a little intimidating. ES was always ES, but this is the one part of her personality that always rubbed me the wrong way.

I guess being normally a very passive person, it didn't bother me much--until she started bossing hubby around. That is when it bothered me. I guess it was because I naturally turned to hubby for guidance and direction. It was one thing for me to cow-tow, but quite another to see Bud doing it. I know it was a choice on his part--he chose to let her feel dominate and in charge of everything. And I did hear him say no to her on occasion, so he did draw the line. But not very often. That was very, very hard for someone as passive as me. It brought out a part of me that I never knew existed. Bud and ES both told me I was passive aggressive. Then it wasn't so passive and I started standing up for myself more and more. Or rather, standing up to ES.

I always felt like I was being bullied, and I just got tired of it. In retrospect, she was just very, very assertive, and it felt like bullying. I just know I didn't like it.

For anyone reading, I am sure that you are thinking that this is a blog for me to bitch about ES, which is pretty low, considering the woman is deceased. I think I need to do this as a catharsis--so I can get beyond my anger and remember all the good about ES. And there were a lot of great memories. They are buried in all the bullshit right now. You will hear about them. Or you can read more on the blog ES and I did together:

Plus, it is cheaper than therapy, and since my insurance runs out on the 30th, I will need all the cheap therapy I can get!

Wow--it is amazing how I can get off on wild tangents like that. We are heading to MILs for x-mas. My mom stopped by last night with a card and $50. She is worried about us. I also had one of my former employees call to wish me Merry Christmas and to bawl about how much she missed me. sigh.

I will be glad when the holiday is over. Just too depressing this year.

I hope anyone reading this has a joyous holiday surrounded by the love of friends and family.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

13th Time is a Charm

Head pounding, stomach churning
Taste of bile in my mouth (not that I have a gull bladder, mind you)

Boxes to fill, memories to sell
Out the door it goes once more

Starting over, over again
Getting to be a tiring habit of ours

Can't put down roots anywhere
But we are of resilient stock it seems

Can we reduce our lives to just a few boxes?
We will soon see

Where will we land this time?
Hard to tell...oh. hell.

©Debra Weiser 2010

The Results are In.....

...and my heart is in pretty good shape. The only thing the cardiologist is doing is changing up my BP meds and having a sleep apnea test done. That is a huge relief!

Hubby is now officially in panic mode about getting moved. I still haven't hit the panic button. I am pretty complacent about the whole thing. Not sure what is up with that....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Elusive Degree and Other Ramblings

I was a college drop-out. I was an unwed mother, and I needed to work to support my child. 29 years later, I decided to go back to school. Things sure have changed!

Let's see, in 1985, we were using Commodore 64 computers with 5" floppy disks. Does anyone out there remember those oldie but goodies? And internet--what internet? Didn't exist. We did research the old-fashioned way: in the library.

Now, I am taking all my classes online in a distance learning program. Try doing that when you are working 70+ hours a week! At times, I have felt like my head was going to explode. I have managed to keep a 3.5 average. I even made the Dean's list at some point!

I still have a year to go. When you are only taking 4 classes a semester, it is slow going. And it didn't help that I changed majors, and that a lot of my credits didn't transfer. but I WILL get it done, one way or another. It is almost an obsession with me (not unlike POGO, but that is for another post). Not that having that degree is going to make a difference in my job hunt. Not really. With the economy the way it is, there are lots and lots of degreed individuals competing for jobs for which they are over-qualified. No, it is just about completion for me. I like having things done, and this has been something I left undone for a long, long time.

At times, I feared hubby would divorce me over my schooling. I would come home from work and immediately put my nose in a book, staying up late to get homework done. I will just be glad to have it done. I am learning a lot, though, so that is a plus...

When ES was still around, I think she was a little jealous of me being in school, or maybe even a little bit threatened. She was the know-it-all, and by god, you sure didn't argue with her, because she was always right! That didn't make going to school any easier. It wasn't about them, though. It was something I needed to do for me. Selfish as it may be, I have to do this.

I remember her throwing it in my face during one heated argument. She basically told me that I was an educated snob. That really hurt, especially since she had bent over backwards to make sure her kids went to college, because she knew how important an education is.

Don't get me wrong. I really did love ES, once upon a time. I loved her so much, her words would just devastate me. The ES years were so turbulent. We were just too different, and I was not strong enough to stand my ground with her. She was a very dominant personality. When she got sick, she changed. In the end, she had let the illnesses win. She just gave up, and it was unbearable to witness. She would go days without bathing, and she would hole up in her room, barely speaking to anyone. I am ashamed to say it now, but I was glad when she made the choice to leave. She had withdrawn so much from the family, she was hardly recognizable, and refused any help. And it sure didn't help that she blamed me for everything...

A little education goes a long way. The Lyme's disease would never have been diagnosed if ES hadn't gone online to figure out what and the heck was wrong with her. Unfortunately, it was too little too late; she was already stage IV when the official diagnosis was made. She was diagnosed with diabetes and PAD shortly after that. Within 6 months, she lost her leg.

I just found out that I am borderline diabetes. Not a surprise, as I am obese. I am not, however, going to go down the same path as ES. For one thing, I am a non-smoker (except for the second hand smoke I breath daily). I am not going to eat myself into the grave. I am not going to lay in bed or on the couch for hours at a time, no matter how much my arthritis may be hurting. I am not going to blame other people or doctors or the tobacco companies or the fast food industry for my current state. I am blaming me. I am not making excuses or pointing fingers. A little education goes a long way...

I harbor a lot of anger and resentment, and that is not healthy. I need to let that crap go before it eats at me as well. ES is gone. I will never be able to tell her how she made me feel. But that was my choice. Her last words to me were: " You know I would really like to know what the I did to cause you so much pain?" I never answered her. It would have been far too painful for me to rehash everything, and I had become so used to her belittling my feelings, I didn't think it was worth the pain. Now I wish I would have, if for no other reason that to get it out instead of internalizing it.

I never wished her any ill will. I certainly did not wish her the pain and suffering she went through, both physical and emotional. I am stymied by my reaction to her death. I feel......nothing. And that really bothers me. No pain, sorrow, remorse, regret. Just, nothing. I thought maybe it was because I was in shock. But I am not really shocked or surprised. What does that say about me as a person? Have I lost the capacity to give a damn? Am I evil?

I am certain that she hated me to the core. I am also sure her family hates me as well. Just as well. If I can't even find any feelings in me at all for her, that says a lot. How can you feel indifference for someone you loved and cared about? I should feel SOMETHING, for cryin' out loud.

Maybe I need some couch-time with a psychobabbler....

And now it begins...

With my job officially behind me, I now face the daunting task of weeding out what we have accumulated. We have moved three times in 15 months, and each time, we have weeded out. Weeds--that is what I call all of the crap we somehow accumulate. They aren't necessities, they are just the things that make life easier. Like plastic storage containers with matching lids. Call me a prude, but I got sick of using empty margarine and empty cottage cheese containers. You can't see what is in them, for cryin' out loud!

Clothes are also weeds. I had a closet full of work suits--an excessive amount. I had 15 suits. Who needs 15 suits!?!? I am saving out two interview suits, and I gave the rest away. I was going to have hubby put them on E-Bay, as most came from there in the first place. But one of my sisterwives is about my size, and she wanted them for church, so I gave them to her. I purged, and it felt good to give them to K. I am having my other sisterwife over today to look at blouses. She has commented on several I have worn over the year, so I am letting her take what she wants. (for those who are counting, that is 3 sisterwives--2 living and one deceased).

I have so much stuff! There are some things, however, that have just too much sentimental value to me, like pictures and my grandmother's china. They have been in plastic totes for the last 10 years, as we haven't had anywhere for me to display them. This time around, I am going to see if my brother R will store them for me. I can't get rid of them, but I can't bare to put them in storage again...

Hubby and I have started from scratch so many times now--it gets harder with age, though, let me tell you. I just want to be SETTLED. I'm a mother hen, for cryin' out loud. Nesting is what I do. I think of how the chickens used to react when we took their eggs, running around and squawking. I can so relate...


Off to down-size my life....

Monday, December 20, 2010

Karaoke, Baby!

Though I got canned from my place of employment (er-given the choice to "resign"), I had already planned on throwing my staff a karaoke Christmas party. My employer graciously agreed to allow me to come in post-booting and throw the party. I will also say my good-byes to my staff. They are so going to freak: "Ms. Debra, you CAN'T leave us!" There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth, rending of garments, and rioting in the streets. OK, maybe not rending and rioting, but I am just sayin'...

The highlight is not the food, though it will be awesome, since we are going pot luck, and I have some mighty good cooks on my staff. The highlight of course is karaoke. It brings out the closeted performer in everyone.

We have volunteered several times for the adult foster cares affiliated with Indian Rivers Mental Health in Alabama, and each time, I was brought to tears by seeing the power of music. Those individuals who usually don't say a peep get up and belt out songs from their heart.

Everyone needs a song in their heart--may you have a song in YOUR heart.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

To Clarify

In two weeks, we won't have a pot to piss in, but in the meantime, I am making spaghetti! Enjoy the recipe below, and may you ALWAYS have a pot in which to piss. :o)

Stick to Your Ribs Spaghetti Sauce

2 lbs ground beef
1 head of garlic, peeled and diced
1 onion, peeled and diced
1 green bell pepper, seeded and diced
cremini mushrooms, rinsed, dried and sliced
2-14.5 oz cans of stewed tomatoes
2-15 oz cans of tomato sauce
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 tsp salt, low sodium
1 Tbs Italian seasoning
1/2 to 1 cup grated parmesan cheese

Brown the ground beef with the garlic and the onions. Cook until the onions are translucent.Drain most of the fat but about 2 tablespoons. Add the bell pepper and mushrooms. When they start to soften, add the stewed tomatoes and the tomato sauce. Bring to a simmer. Add salt, pepper, italian seasoning and parmesan cheese. Simmer 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serve over pasta. (This stuff freezes great, and is better the next day when the flavors have time to marry). Enjoy!

Yummy add-ins

  • green or black olives

  • chick peas

  • chopped spinich

  • fresh basil

  • water chestnuts

  • banana peppers

Can't wait to kiss 2010 goodbye...

Quite an optimistic title, eh? This year is ending with a kick in the pants: I was informed Monday that I would either need to resign, or that I would inevitably be terminated; I woke up Wednesday with what felt like a heart attack, but ended up opening a whole can of worms; my estranged sisterwife passed away on Wednesday night (yes, you read that right--sisterwife. Haven't you heard? It is all the rage!)

My head is about to frickin' explode. But strangely, I am not panicking. We have to be out of this house that we can no longer afford, as my income is the primary income. We will have to return our car to the dealership that financed us, as again, no money, no car payments. No where to go, no REAL plan in place. Shouldn't I be freaking out right now? I am eerily calm right now. The calm before the storm?

I had a blog with my sisterwife (the one that passed. Oh, did I mention I have two other sisterwives? no? oops. my bad...) called the Self Sustaining Kitchen. Neither of us have posted in it in over a year. When she passed, I thought I would go update everyone, but it has been so long, I can't get in to the account.

I am not sure what the nature of this blog is going to be...random musings? Sage advice? Pointless drivel? Who knows!

I know I will share pieces of myself. I write an eclectic mix of songs, poetry, erotica, and fiction. This may be the place where I "put it out there". It can float around as digital flotsam.

If I get visitors, cool! If not, maybe this will be some sort of time capsule to be discovered in the future.

It may take a while to build this blog, but it will be 100% me. Scary!

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