Over Achiever

I stole this image from someone else's blog, but it pretty much sums up my particular psychosis. I always feel the need to push myself, make myself indispensable, etc.

I found myself doing it yet again at work today.  In the short time I have been there, I have noted that the other 4 office managers at the other locations are calling me/e-mailing me with questions. Hell-ooooo--I'm the new kid on the block, remember? If they need a document created, they call me; can't figure out how to do something in our data base? Call me.

Today Dr. Hooper gave me not one, not two, but THREE projects to tackle. I am not any less busy than the other offices; in fact, summer is the slow season, and I have managed to keep the Dr. booked--yay me!
The general manager also has been dumping projects on me. I don't mind--I like being the go-to person. Thank goodness I am an hourly employee now. When I was salaried, oy-vey, did they get their money's worth out of me! I would put in ridiculous hours--little Miss Overachiever, at your service.

I actually sat here tonight, off the clock, and did one of the projects. It could have waited until tomorrow, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I did it.  Obsessive much? Nah, not me!

Same deal with book writing.  You would think one was enough, but as I was writing the first, I thought, "gee, wouldn't it be cool if each wife got to give their perspective?" So that was why I started book number two, and I already have an outline in my head for book number three...

I. AM. SO. NEUROTIC! I am who I am, I guess. I actually get a little bit anxious if I am not "the go-to person".  Seriously, I have a problem!

Some of my neurotic (obsessive) behavior has evolved or outright disappeared over the years. I used to be a fanatical housekeeper. HA! That seems like a whole different person now. I had to have everything in its place. There could not be a single dirty dish left in the sink. Clothes never, ever got left on the floor or hung over a chair. Boy oh boy, THAT has changed! Heck, I leave my bras hanging from every chair and doorknob available! And we have a dishwasher, but I still manage to leave dirty dishes every night.

I also used to be Superwife with a capital S. I pampered Bud to the point of suffocation to assure his every need was met, from wonderful meals (baked desserts included), back rubs, picking up after him, fetching him coffee or water, etc, etc, etc. I even would scrub his back when he was in the tub. I am sure Bud is wondering where THAT wife went...

Now, supper, if he is lucky, has more than one entree, I will give him back rubs once in a blue moon, and he waits on me much more than I wait on him. What the heck happened? Hmmmmm

I spend WAYYYYYYYY too much time on the Internet, and too little time taking care of hubby and the house. I know this. And half of it is spent playing Candy Crush and Scrabble! I need an intervention...

I'm a Sucker for a Sunset

This was taken with a not-so-fancy digital camera.  The sky went from purple to orange so fast! I forgot to take the flash off for the second picture, so it is weird looking, but you can still see that band of orange on the horizon. I had to change batteries in my camera, so I was lucky I caught any of the sunset, it happened so fast.

24 hours later, it was snowing and blowing so hard, you couldn't see across the road....I'm counting the days until Spring.

I am currently playing scrabble with 24 other people on Facebook. Obsessed, much? I was so wired last night, I just kept clicking "find a game to join". Finally made myself go to bed at 3am. Ugh! Can't keep doing that!

My book is now just under 145 typed pages (letter-sized). I need to get ink and get it printed so I can do some editing. Feeling hopeful about having it done sooner rather than later.

I am going to hit the sack at a decent hour, as I am sure we will need to shovel and clean the car for MIL in the a.m. if this keeps up. They are predicting about 12 inches. Yay.  NOT!

Happy Birthday, My Love

To Infinity...and beyond. Loving you immensely and intensely. You are my soulmate, my sounding board, and my calm in the storm. You are my rock. You are my everything.

Mrs. Weiser

Shopping with MIL

My MIL's sister passed away a week ago today. She had been battling cancer for over two years, and just when she thought it was beaten, they found her liver full of cancer. They gave her 2-3 days; she lived 6 more weeks.

Aunt Hazel was a very tenacious woman, and though I didn't know her very well, I remember her laugh the most. She had a hardy laugh, and she loved nothing more than to have conversations that involved story-telling. She will be missed by many.

MIL was concerned, as she only had one dress, and she had worn it before and thought people might notice. So, we went to Mishawaka in search of the perfect dress.

We hit paydirt at JC Penny's. They were having their annual Labor Day Sale, and most everything in the store was marked down. She found two dresses she really like, and tried them both on. She looked great in both, but was very self-critical and didn't like "how big her hips looked" in the one, and how "low-cut" the other dress was. I knew all I had to do was read the price tags for her to make the decision. Mom likes value (don't we all), and when I told her the "low-cut" dress was on sale for $26, she made her decision. "I don't have any pantyhose!" She said with large eyes. Off to the lingerie section.

She clucked at how expensive the pantyhose were. I agree. Even when they were $1.99 a pair, I thought they were too much, as I inevitably only get one wear out of the little beggars. She bought the cheapest pair she could find, then said, "you know what, I don't think I have a purse that would look right with this dress." Off to the purses...

She looked at many purses. Many, many purses. She loves purses like I love shoes. I think she has in the neighborhood of 20 purses, and the number keeps growing. She also makes purses, so she has lots of cute quilted bags as well. She managed to find a very cute purse for $8. SCORE! "You know, I don't think I have shoes that will go with this dress..." Off to the shoe department...

The shoe department was busy. They had lots of summer shoes marked 70-80% off, so you can imagine what it was like. I thankfully had no money, so I didn't walk out of the store with a half-dozen shoes and the giddy head-rush that comes with knowing I have new shoes. I found a pair that was oh-so-cute, and MIL loved them as well. They were normally $90, but they were marked down to $29, so they were a steal at that price. At the register, she looked at the cashier and lamented, "I don't have any jewelry to go with this outfit!" The cashier told her kindly that she would hold the items and pointed her toward the jewelry...

Bud has a great eye for that kind of thing, and he found her a gorgeous necklace and matching earrings (the earrings were actually a three pack, and they were the same price as the single pack earrings, so again, SCORE!)

We went back to the shoe counter, and the sales associate rang everything up. Her outfit: dress, shoes, jewelry, purse, and nylons was--are you ready for this?--$94. Can you believe it? The discounted prices were discounted even MORE. She saved almost $150. I don't know who was more tickled--MIL or me.

Here she is in her dress as we were heading out to the funeral. The handsome man on her shoulder is my hubby. We clean up pretty good!

I actually enjoyed my shopping experience with MIL. She was like a little kid at Christmas, and I was glad to see her so happy.

I Need a 12 Step Program...

I am obsessed with POGO. I may have mentioned this before. I am what they call a badge addict. POGO is an online gaming site with hundreds of games to choose from. They feature 2 games each week in which members can vie for "badges". To win a badge, you have to complete the challenge they give you. Members can also select personal challenges to complete. You can even purchase challenges (okay, I am not quite THAT sick--yet).

As you know, I am taking a full boatload of classes this semester, in addition to having "chores" to complete here at MIL's, since we are living here for free and I am not employed. I still, however, have the OCD need to finish my badges each week. I knew with the yard sale, two mid-terms, and a paper to write, I was going to have limited time to complete my badges, which come out every Wednesday. Long story short, I completed all the little beggars Wednesday night. Stayed up until 2 in the morning, glossy-eyed and determined to get them done before I went to bed.

Don't get me wrong. There are several of the games that I deem great for mental acuity. They require strategy, eye to hand coordination, powers of observation, and memory exercises. These are all good. But there is, inevitably, the mind-numbing, zero-ability, BORING ones as well. Yet I push myself to get the badge anyway.

Nothing, NOTHING is worse than the slot machine games. ACH! I am twitching just thinking about them. Click. Click. Click. Click. I have decided that Hell would be pricing yard sale items AND being forced to play slot machines.

It used to be you had the chance to win up to $4999 (if you were a member). They recently changed it to a much smaller amount, but they threw in a bunch more opportunities to win worthless crap like mugs and hats. Woooo hoooo!

Would you like to check out my obsession? Be forewarned, it is addictive. You don't have to become a member, you can play for free. The only difference is you are limited as to which games you can play, and you are subjected to ads.

I, of course, blame my obsession on ES. She is the one who got me hooked. When she told me about it, I scoffed, saying I didn't like video games, so I surely would not like POGO. Unfortunately, I have a secret competitive gene. My father and brothers are all fierce competitors. I would inevitable end up crying whenever I played even board games with them, because they are cut-throat and vicious when they do anything competitive. Heck, they can turn go-fish into a maniacal competition...I am not competitive with PEOPLE. I am competitive with myself--and those damn robots on POGO. I recently yelled at one, "DIE, YOU DAMN CHEATING BUCKET OF BOLTS!"

Yeah, I need help. If you would like to share in my addiction, here is the link to POGO. My POGO name is Deelovesbud. I am now officially a pusher, and POGO is the drug.

My Elusive Degree and Other Ramblings

I was a college drop-out. I was an unwed mother, and I needed to work to support my child. 29 years later, I decided to go back to school. Things sure have changed!

Let's see, in 1985, we were using Commodore 64 computers with 5" floppy disks. Does anyone out there remember those oldie but goodies? And internet--what internet? Didn't exist. We did research the old-fashioned way: in the library.

Now, I am taking all my classes online in a distance learning program. Try doing that when you are working 70+ hours a week! At times, I have felt like my head was going to explode. I have managed to keep a 3.5 average. I even made the Dean's list at some point!

I still have a year to go. When you are only taking 4 classes a semester, it is slow going. And it didn't help that I changed majors, and that a lot of my credits didn't transfer. but I WILL get it done, one way or another. It is almost an obsession with me (not unlike POGO, but that is for another post). Not that having that degree is going to make a difference in my job hunt. Not really. With the economy the way it is, there are lots and lots of degreed individuals competing for jobs for which they are over-qualified. No, it is just about completion for me. I like having things done, and this has been something I left undone for a long, long time.

At times, I feared hubby would divorce me over my schooling. I would come home from work and immediately put my nose in a book, staying up late to get homework done. I will just be glad to have it done. I am learning a lot, though, so that is a plus...

When ES was still around, I think she was a little jealous of me being in school, or maybe even a little bit threatened. She was the know-it-all, and by god, you sure didn't argue with her, because she was always right! That didn't make going to school any easier. It wasn't about them, though. It was something I needed to do for me. Selfish as it may be, I have to do this.

I remember her throwing it in my face during one heated argument. She basically told me that I was an educated snob. That really hurt, especially since she had bent over backwards to make sure her kids went to college, because she knew how important an education is.

Don't get me wrong. I really did love ES, once upon a time. I loved her so much, her words would just devastate me. The ES years were so turbulent. We were just too different, and I was not strong enough to stand my ground with her. She was a very dominant personality. When she got sick, she changed. In the end, she had let the illnesses win. She just gave up, and it was unbearable to witness. She would go days without bathing, and she would hole up in her room, barely speaking to anyone. I am ashamed to say it now, but I was glad when she made the choice to leave. She had withdrawn so much from the family, she was hardly recognizable, and refused any help. And it sure didn't help that she blamed me for everything...

A little education goes a long way. The Lyme's disease would never have been diagnosed if ES hadn't gone online to figure out what and the heck was wrong with her. Unfortunately, it was too little too late; she was already stage IV when the official diagnosis was made. She was diagnosed with diabetes and PAD shortly after that. Within 6 months, she lost her leg.

I just found out that I am borderline diabetes. Not a surprise, as I am obese. I am not, however, going to go down the same path as ES. For one thing, I am a non-smoker (except for the second hand smoke I breath daily). I am not going to eat myself into the grave. I am not going to lay in bed or on the couch for hours at a time, no matter how much my arthritis may be hurting. I am not going to blame other people or doctors or the tobacco companies or the fast food industry for my current state. I am blaming me. I am not making excuses or pointing fingers. A little education goes a long way...

I harbor a lot of anger and resentment, and that is not healthy. I need to let that crap go before it eats at me as well. ES is gone. I will never be able to tell her how she made me feel. But that was my choice. Her last words to me were: " You know I would really like to know what the I did to cause you so much pain?" I never answered her. It would have been far too painful for me to rehash everything, and I had become so used to her belittling my feelings, I didn't think it was worth the pain. Now I wish I would have, if for no other reason that to get it out instead of internalizing it.

I never wished her any ill will. I certainly did not wish her the pain and suffering she went through, both physical and emotional. I am stymied by my reaction to her death. I feel......nothing. And that really bothers me. No pain, sorrow, remorse, regret. Just, nothing. I thought maybe it was because I was in shock. But I am not really shocked or surprised. What does that say about me as a person? Have I lost the capacity to give a damn? Am I evil?

I am certain that she hated me to the core. I am also sure her family hates me as well. Just as well. If I can't even find any feelings in me at all for her, that says a lot. How can you feel indifference for someone you loved and cared about? I should feel SOMETHING, for cryin' out loud.

Maybe I need some couch-time with a psychobabbler....