Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Trying to keep in mind the holiday and the spirit if the season, but it has been hard. Losing your job just before Christmas bites! I know I am not the only one, and I know there are people much worse off than we are. All this weeding has made me a bit glum.

Yesterday, I gave away the chicken and the hen that ES found at garage sales that decorated our kitchen in Alabama, along with a bowl of "first eggs"--the first little egg that a hen lays. My mom mentioned that by brother's girlfriend decorated with roosters, so I immediately packed them up and sent them with my mom to give to her.

Don't laugh, but there are memories tied in to that stupid plaster rooster. He sat in the window sill, along with the hen, in our kitchen window. Our rooster, Paul, would get on the Alabama hammock each night as he was rounding up the "girls" and have a fit because #1 there was another rooster to be reckoned with and #2 there was a hen who was not part of his little harem. It was the funniest thing you ever saw!

The rooster also was symbolic of ES. She told a story of seeing a native american shaman at a pow wow who told her she was a hen who was going to be a rooster. That pretty much summed up ES: she was a mother hen when it came to taking care of her family, but she was a hen who wanted to be the rooster. She had to be the boss, the one in charge, the one making all the decisions and telling others what to do. For me, that aspect of ES was disconcerting and a little intimidating. ES was always ES, but this is the one part of her personality that always rubbed me the wrong way.

I guess being normally a very passive person, it didn't bother me much--until she started bossing hubby around. That is when it bothered me. I guess it was because I naturally turned to hubby for guidance and direction. It was one thing for me to cow-tow, but quite another to see Bud doing it. I know it was a choice on his part--he chose to let her feel dominate and in charge of everything. And I did hear him say no to her on occasion, so he did draw the line. But not very often. That was very, very hard for someone as passive as me. It brought out a part of me that I never knew existed. Bud and ES both told me I was passive aggressive. Then it wasn't so passive and I started standing up for myself more and more. Or rather, standing up to ES.

I always felt like I was being bullied, and I just got tired of it. In retrospect, she was just very, very assertive, and it felt like bullying. I just know I didn't like it.

For anyone reading, I am sure that you are thinking that this is a blog for me to bitch about ES, which is pretty low, considering the woman is deceased. I think I need to do this as a catharsis--so I can get beyond my anger and remember all the good about ES. And there were a lot of great memories. They are buried in all the bullshit right now. You will hear about them. Or you can read more on the blog ES and I did together:

Plus, it is cheaper than therapy, and since my insurance runs out on the 30th, I will need all the cheap therapy I can get!

Wow--it is amazing how I can get off on wild tangents like that. We are heading to MILs for x-mas. My mom stopped by last night with a card and $50. She is worried about us. I also had one of my former employees call to wish me Merry Christmas and to bawl about how much she missed me. sigh.

I will be glad when the holiday is over. Just too depressing this year.

I hope anyone reading this has a joyous holiday surrounded by the love of friends and family.


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